The Manifesto of The Lemming Party

By: Peter Goodchild

A spectre is haunting Europe — the spectre of Lemmingism. All the powers of old Europe have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this spectre: Pope and Tsar, Metternich and Guizot, French Radicals and German police-spies.

Where is the party in opposition that has not been decried as Lemmingistic by its opponents in power? Where is the opposition that has not hurled back the branding reproach of Lemmingism, against the more advanced opposition parties, as well as against its reactionary adversaries?

Twelve things result from this fact:

  1. You must be against the theory of peak oil. We just need to share the oil more equitably. Besides, we’ll be saved by the miracle of lunar energy.
  2. You must be against the theory of global overpopulation. We just need to be happy with standing room only.
  3. You must be in favor of high immigration levels, because we’re all equal and have equal rights, and all people are fundamentally kind-hearted.
  4. You must be against Them (Mum and Dad), the people who are running our lives. But don’t get confused — you still want a world government, but its main task will be to send out welfare checks.
  5. You must be against raising educational standards, because poor academic performance is the result of persecution.
  6. You must be in favor of gun control. If somebody breaks into your house at 2 a.m., you should offer him a beer.
  7. You must be in favor of saving the environment, or there will be no place to put 12 gazillion people. (I may have to rethink that one.)
  8. You must believe that all religions are identical. Churches should look like gymnasiums, because we don’t want to offend anybody.
  9. You must believe in prison reform. Killers doing life sentences are just lonely and misunderstood.
  10. You must believe that patriotism is unacceptable, and that displaying a flag is a hate crime.
  11. You must believe that technology will save the world. If somebody comes at you with a machete, just take out your i-Phone.
  12. Above all, you must accept the belief that we’re all equal. Except Them, of course. Come the revolution, such people will be dealt with.

Remember: you’re entitled, you’re hard done by, you have a right.

Lemmings of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your brains!

About the author: Peter Goodchild is the author of ‘Survival Skills of the North American Indians’ (Chicago Review Press). Click here to mail him.